I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
