Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize