speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize