one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
