There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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