he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
