He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize