I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
