Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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