i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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