Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
