The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
