The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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