Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
