I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
