The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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