wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
