she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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