yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
