she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize