Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
