when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We're too hungover to prance.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
