So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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