did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
