I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
