The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
