It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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