So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
