I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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