Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
