In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
