Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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