Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
