You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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