There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize