i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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