dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
