just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
