he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize