Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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