Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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