That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
