halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I love you. Go after that dick
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
