My nipple is on Facebook.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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