What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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