I want to walk on stilts...naked
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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