Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
my liver is dry heaving
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
