I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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