Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
