On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We left an ass print on the piano.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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