My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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