Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
