Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
