Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
