Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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