I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize