Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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