Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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