my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
