There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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