I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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