id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
