david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
